For most of the evening, the ex-boyfriend stayed away. I did bust him repeatedly staring at me, though, from the next room, with that look on his face he used to give me when he first got together. That was one of the things that sucked me in back in those days: his ability to look at you like you were at that moment the only person on the face of the planet and that you were aesthetic perfection. I wanted someone to think I was beautiful and love me crazily, and that he apparently did, though he wasn’t really a good match for me and wasn’t much of a boyfriend in some ways that I now know are very important.
I was hoping to get my shoes and duck out without having to deal with him, but he approached and thrusted something at me as I had my hands busy lacing my boots.
He said he’d bought it for me right after we’d split… that he didn’t know why he’d done it, but here it was. I told him twice I couldn’t take it, and he then basically begged, please, it was meant for you, you ought to have it anyway. He looked at the floor and shook his head, dismissing both of us from everything that has happened and just looked at me with nothing more than honesty. Alright. I took it. He came in for a hug, which I returned loosely, and that’s when he kissed my cheek.
There are all different kinds of kisses, and I realized at that moment that clearly no matter where a kiss is placed, it can mean just the same thing or more as any other kiss. He ninja’d that kiss, and he inhaled sharply and pressed his whole face into me like I was intoxicating when he did it.
I pulled away, finished with my boots, and walked away. I hugged the woman that was the only reason I really even went tonight, said goodbye to the people who happened to be loitering near her, and left quickly.
He texted me, and I didn’t reply. I will not see him again socially. Because I now know from experiencing both, that for me, being on the receiving end of love you don’t want is much, much worse than being the one living in something unrequited. Feeling what trembled just beneath the touch of his lips and rejecting it because I don’t want it any more was one of the most unpleasant things I’ve ever done.
